


please could you be tender

by mybluebucketofgold



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Post 4x07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 05:21:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17135750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybluebucketofgold/pseuds/mybluebucketofgold
Summary: “no one is beyond redemption,” kara insists. “there’s good in all of us.”lena thinks of her family (and herself), barks out a laugh. “in everyone?”“everyone.” oh, kara and her unparalleled kindness. it’s enough to make a girl weep.-lena is like. super depressed after everything w adam and kara takes her back to her apartment, and Things are Discussed





	please could you be tender

_‘i was always hungry for love. just once, i wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it — to be fed so much love i couldn’t take any more. just once.’_  
haruki murakami

-

Lena sits alone.

Her office is shrouded in darkness, night having fallen some hours ago. It is painfully quiet, unbearably still. All she can hear is the dull, quick thud of her heart, an unpleasant reminder of her continued existence.

Her thoughts stray once again to Adam. The black his veins turned standing out against his pale skin as the Harun-el entered him; his body twisting in agony as it coursed through his system; the look on his face when he realised it was all over. That in turn reminds her of Jack, and his resigned acceptance of his fate. And then of Sam, and then Lionel, and then Lex, and then -

Everyone she touches she ruins. Even though she’s known this since she was a child, it becomes especially clear when she thinks of it like this. Ultimately, here, in her office, by herself is where she belongs. It’s safest. It’s all she deserves.

There is an ache in her heart to to keep her company. It is a weight pressing down on her chest, entwining her ribs, wrapping itself around her lungs and squeezing - hard. It builds a lump in throat, makes its way down even to her trembling finger. Her entire body, radiating with the pain of the inevitability of loss, of all her flaws, her endless mistakes.

She wants to scream and scream and scream. To drown herself in whiskey. To do _anything_ , anything but stay rooted to her chair, trapped by her failures and wallowing in self-pity. If only she could bring herself to move.

The door opens, interrupting her thoughts, and Kara walks in.

Well. She wasn’t expecting that. It throws her for a loop, Kara’s presence as disarming as ever.

“Hi,” Kara smiles at her as she approaches the desk. It is too warm, too good. “You haven’t returned my calls - I mean, you texted, but I was worried about you. So I came here!” She claps her hands together, a little awkwardly. Any other day and Lena would’ve blushed.

She tries, then, to make herself presentable. Straightens her back and forces something on to her face that she assumes resembles a smile. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been busy.”

Kara tilts her head, clearly deciding whether or not she finds this convincing. “You haven’t been sleeping.” She notes (correctly, of course), sitting down opposite Lena, brows drawn together.

Lena waves her off dismissively, scoffing a little and shaking her head. “How are you? I heard about Supergirl’s dismissal from the DEO. I know how… close you two are.”

This is the game they play: Lena pretends she doesn’t realise, and Kara pretends she doesn’t realise that Lena realises. It’s tiring, but it stops conversations that neither of them are ready for.

Kara shrugs. “I’m alright. It’s scary - all the anti-alien stuff, y’know. All this anger, and _hatred_ , and it’s escalating so quickly and I’ve tried my best to help by, uh, writing, um, articles and stuff, but I don’t think it’s enough. I worry about just how far it will go.”

She hums sympathetically. “I hope not much further. Haven’t a few of those Agents of Liberty idiots turned up dead? At least someone’s fighting back.”

“I don’t think violence is the answer.”

“If it saves more lives -”

“No one is beyond redemption,” Kara insists. “There’s good in all of us.”

Lena thinks of her family (and herself), barks out a laugh. “In everyone?”

“Everyone.” Oh, Kara and her unparalleled kindness. It’s enough to make a girl weep.

She smiles again, though she can’t plaster it on for long, barely a second.

“Are you really okay?” Kara asks, concern etched into her features. “Did anything happen? Did Lillian do something? Did Lex? Is it an anniversary?”

Lena shakes her head before Kara can fire any more questions at her. “I’m alright.” When Kara’s eyebrows raise in disbelief, she tacks on an: “Just as you said, tired.”

“What’s keeping you up? God, she really does, wholeheartedly care - a fact that never stops amazing Lena. “I thought maybe you and James had fought.”

Now there’s a situation that practically parallels her knowledge of Kara as Supergirl. James and her both know they love another, even if it is never explicitly said. She is sure that James is fully aware he is no substitute for Kara, and in turn Lena is fully aware she is no substitute for Winn.

She looks down at her desk, forcing her gaze away from Kara and finally answering her. “Nothing in particular.”

Adam’s face instantly pops into her head. His youth, his life, ripped away from him - by her. She closes her eyes before Kara can spot the guilt in them.

“Let me take you home. And by take you home, I mean get driven by Hector to yours.” When Lena fails to summon the energy for a laugh, she adds. “Come back to mine, at least.”

“I’ve got so much work to do -”

“Lena, c’mon,” Her voice is low and soothing. Lena wants to sink into it, to drown in it. “I’m sure it can wait ‘till tomorrow.”

She opens her eyes to Kara, half-jokingly, half-seriously, pouting at her. She stares back down at her hands, clenched into fists to stop herself from crying. Every rational bone in her body warns her that she shouldn’t go back with Kara, knows that she carries within her something dark that will only hurt, that will take and take and take from Kara until nothing is left.

But, if she is anything she is selfish, and Kara looks particularly beautiful tonight, so she relents, to her shame. “Fine. I’ll come back with you.”

Kara’s returning grin is so ridiculously bright it makes her stomach churn.

-

When they arrive back to Kara’s apartment, she immediately sets about making them cups of tea. Lena trudges in behind her, sitting on one of the stools by the kitchen counter. Kara chats away happily, as she has been the whole ride back, even when Lena had failed to replied.

While Kara’s back is turned, she lets her shoulders slump, her head bow. The pang in her chest remains, throbbing incessantly.

She feels as though she could implode with the misery of it all. The never-ending, relentless misery - it’s too much. She curls in on herself, hoping that that will somehow keep her together.

“Here you go.” Kara must be conscious of her desire not to be touched, because she pushes the mug as close as she can without so much as brushing Lena.

“Thanks.” Lena offers, so quietly she’s not quite sure if it left her mouth. Embarrassingly, her bottom lip wobbles as she struggles to reign back tears threatening to fall.

“Lena,” Kara implores. “What’s really going on?”

She looks properly at her for the first time during the whole evening. Takes in the curve of her lip, the scar by her left eyebrow, the crinkle in the middle of the forehead. She loves her so. She cannot bear to lose her.

“I did an experiment the other day. After Thanksgiving.” She starts, regretting telling it already but knowing it is necessary. “The subject died. No, I - I _killed_ him.”

Kara reaches out to touch her just as she flinches away. She winces when she sees how Kara’s finger falter with nowhere to go. She just can’t take the casual intimacy Kara doles out easily, like it’s nothing, like every touch doesn’t set her alight.

“You told him - the subject - about all the risks involved, didn’t you?”

Lena nods, rubbing her thumbs over her shoulders. The motion does little to sooth her. “I tried to back out, but he wanted to go on.”

Kara clicks her tongue sympathetically. She begins the start of a few different sentences then seems to think better of each, before settling on asking what his name was.

“Adam,” Lena replies, her voice breaking horribly over the word. “He was only nineteen. He was just a kid.” God. He had no idea what was going to happen to him, what she was going to do.

A couple of beats of silence follow. She doesn’t risk glancing up to see what Kara thinks of her. She tries to sip her tea, but all she tastes is sick. Or is it blood?

“That’s obviously, like, awful, but it seems like he consented. I know you’re gonna beat yourself up for this, and you probably, uh, already have quite a bit -”

“Don’t. You don’t -” She breathes in and out shakily, gearing up for what she’s about to reveal, lighting the fuse that may blow it all. She forces herself to meet Kara’s eyes. “I was using this alien substance to try and cure cancer - to try and cure everything. It was Harun-el.”

Kara’s lips turn to a thin line. “You kept it?”

Neither of them entertain the notion that Kara shouldn’t actually know about this, that she’s meant to be just a random citizen unaware of the inner workings of the DEO. They’re beyond that point now.

“I kept it, yeah. I thought it would help people. It has a lot of potential.”

“And you didn’t tell the DEO.” She doesn’t quite sound angry, more let down. It makes her think of Lionel’s stern talks when she was a teenager, his disappointment somehow more cutting that Lillian’s ire.

“They’re a secretive government organisation that illegally detain aliens and view me as nothing more than a ticking time bomb. I’m not their biggest fan, to be honest.” She lets out a pathetic excuse for a laugh; Kara doesn’t reciprocate. “I should’ve, maybe. I only wanted to help.”

“And do you think you did? Help?”

Lena recoils, momentarily almost falling off the stool. She shakes her head.

“I -” Kara closes her eyes, sighs. “Ignore that. That was cruel of me. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise.” Lena whispers, too choked up to raise her voice any louder. She should get up, get out, and she would, if her limbs weren’t so heavy.

Quiet follows, only broken by the sound of Lena’s shaky breathing. Fuck.

“I’m - I’m gonna, um go for a walk.” Kara announces, staring off at a point behind Lena.

Lena nods and, slowly, begins to force herself up. “Okay, she bites the inside of her cheek, desperate not to cry. “I’ll see you soon, or - or at some point?”

“No.” Kara says, and Lena snaps upright, horrified at the idea that Kara never wants to speak to her again, however reasonable it might be. “I don’t want you by yourself in this state.” She explains, not unkindly.

“Honestly, it’s okay -”

Kara massages her forehead, frowning heavily. “Please don’t argue with me. Just go to room and try and get some sleep or something. I won’t be too long.”

Wordlessly, Kara turns her back to her and moves away.

Lena pads towards the bedroom, gripping her cup of tea like it’s a lifeline. She does as Kara says, slipping on some more comfortable clothes, despite her guilt at wearing them. Only when the door (or is it the window?) opens and closes, does she let a few tears fall. She wipes them away hurriedly - a shameful secret. Then, she lies there, alone again, and waits.

-

Somehow Lena must have drifted off, because she wakes feeling disorientated, curled up tight in a corner of Kara’s bed. Still half-asleep, she momentarily forgets why she’s there and just takes in Kara’s smell. Then, she remembers Adam and a barrage of guilt hits her like a truck, the smile beginning to form of her face dissipating. 

She shoots up, only to see Kara standing near the door, watching hard. She squints and blinks upwards at her.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

She wears no glasses and her hair is down. So they’re no longer pretending she isn’t Supergirl, then. At least that’s one burden removed.

“What’s your real name?” Lena asks without thinking, still dazed from sleep.

“Kara Zor-El.”

She can see it more than ever, here. With the moon illuminating her, Kara does look ethereal - not quite human, treading the line between civilian and hero.

Lena wants to kiss her desperately, to tell her she loves her no matter what. This desire is so strong she’s surprised it hasn’t somehow physically manifested in-between them, her want as potent as it is. However, she knows now is not the time. It occurs to her that they may have crossed a line too far, that there might never _be_ a right time.

“I like it,” She tries for, her voice hoarse. “Suits you.”

Kara smiles slightly at that, and Lena’s lips tug up instantaneously in return, relief rushing through her. “I like it, too.” 

She pats the opposite side of the bed tentatively and Kara climbs in beside her.

“I’m sorry about not telling you about the Harun-El sooner,” She tucks her knees tight under her chest. “I won’t lie to you, I don’t regret keeping it, just what - just what -” Fuck. “You know.”

“I know,” Kara shifts, playing with a loose thread. “I just wish you didn’t feel like you had to do things like this alone. It never, um, ends well, to say the least, and you’re not. Alone, I mean.”

“I should be.” 

What Lena is thinking of: hands futilely trying to reach above water before being consumed by it entirely. She thinks of: the frantic, desperate cries left unanswered by her. She remembers: the silence that followed, stretched out endlessly, time standing still.

She had stood there, and watched her own mom drown. She had a been a would-be lighthouse without any lights. Utterly useless. Not good enough to do anything, to help.

"Lena?"

Kara always says her name like it’s worth something. That’s the part that will hurt the most, after she admits this, is no longer hearing anyone say her name that way.

Suppose, it’s only fair. Lena knows what she is (bad, bad, always bad). Kara should too.

“I’ve never told you what happened with my mom; how she died.” Even saying the words sends piercing pain shooting throughout her body. It threatens to engulf her.

“You don’t have to.” Kara quickly interjects.

“I owe it you,” And now, naturally, ever the coward, she turns away, unable to deal with witnessing Kara’s reaction. “She used to take me to watch her swim. She never used to let me go in, always said it was too dangerous.” Pausing, she lets out a watery, verging-on-hysterical, laugh.” Anyway, she - she went swimming, this one time, in the ocean, and, and -”

Kara places a hand on her arm and she slinks away to the very edge of the bed, putting up her own hand in protest.

“It was a windy day, so the sea was rough. No one - none was around, no surfers, lifeguards, anyone.” How vast and empty the strip of beach had seemed that day, as though it was all that was left of the world, as though she was going to stand there for all eternity and wait for a mom who was never coming back. “She - the waves were too strong for her, and she went under. I stood there, and I watched.” A sob cracks out of her, finally, the awfulness of what she’s revealed bursting out of her. “I stood there, and I let my mom die.”

Her words linger in the quiet of Kara’s room. She imagines them hanging between the two of them, separating them irretrievably.

“I didn’t do anything. I knew what - what was happening, she’d warned me about drowning before, and - and I let it happen. I didn’t run, or try to save her, or even cry,” Ironically, tears are dripping down her face now; she wipes them hurriedly and looks at the door, not quite ready to see Kara. “I - I don’t know. I think there’s something very, very wrong with me. Maybe I can try and fight it, and I have, but I don’t believe it will ever work.”

The only word fit to describe the expression on Kara’s face is devastated. Of course she would be - even someone as loving as Kara has her limits.

“It’s okay if you want me to go, even forever. I - I would be the same.”

To her surprise, Kara reaches out. “May I?” She asks, hands hovering around Lena.

Kara wraps her arm around her. Lena is rigid, every muscle in her body tensed up. Luthors are meant to know when to fight and when to run; she, however, has never known either.

“It’s not your fault,” Is the first thing out of Kara’s mouth. “You were just a kid.”

Lena shakes her head, resisting weakly against Kara’s hold. “I should’ve - should’ve tried. I should’ve - any - any other child would - would have _tried!_ ”

Kara rubs her back. “I don’t know everything about human children, but what I do know that at four you - you wouldn’t have known what was going on,” Her voice becomes wobbly as she carries on. “It seems like a natural reaction to trauma.”

She opens her mouth to protest and all that comes out is a sob.

Somehow Kara presses their bodies even closer against one another. She holds Lena tight and yet so carefully. This is the woman who Lena has seen rip apart a plane, being almost impossibly soft with her. God.

Lena swears she’s going to collapse in on herself. She can’t take this - this tenderness, this care. Down to her very core, she knows, she is sick, she is a monster. Certainly not something to be loved this way.

"Look at me."

“You don’t need to - _please_ ,” Lena all but begs. Hesitantly, though, she does as she asks.

Kara seems so sad it makes Lena ache all over again.

“I know what it’s like to feel guilty about surviving,” Her voice is laced with sorrow, her eyes filled with grief. Lena’s stomach flips. “And I still feel like I didn’t do enough, even though I was just thirteen.”

When Lex became obsessed with Superman, Lena had researched the destruction of Krypton. Kara being thirteen, and so having memories of it, sounds like the largest burden anyone could carry.

She moves to press her forehead against Kara’s. “You - you,” She collects herself, becoming aware of just how much she is trembling. “There was no way you could’ve stopped that.”

Kara smiles ruefully. “You wouldn’t have been able to save your mom. You couldn’t swim, and no one was around,” She wipes her thumbs under Lena’s eyes, catching the tears that fall. “You didn’t know what to do. That doesn’t make you evil.”

It’s too much. Lena can’t make herself respond, can’t even maintain eye contact, so she rests her head on Kara’s shoulder.

“It’s not your fault,” Kara strokes her hair. “You were four. Lena, you did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong.”

They stay like that for a while, Kara murmuring those words over and over again, a mantra. Lena doesn’t quite know that she believes any of them, having held this event in her mind as proof of her undeniable badness for two decades. Still, it’s something.

Maybe if Lionel or Lillian had told her anything like this when she’d first arrived to the Luthor mansion, rather than awkwardly hugging her or calling her a coward respectively, she might’ve turned out a bitter better. The thought causes another sob to roll over her, wracking her body.

Eventually, she calms down enough to breathe properly. Kara hasn’t ceased holding her for a second, steady throughout her whole breakdown. Lena is immeasurably grateful, and tells her as much.

“You sound like, sixty, when you say stuff like that,” Kara grins, then grimaces, immediately tacking on: “Was that too soon to be making jokes? Sorry if it was - ”

Lena rolls her eyes, sniffling, but laughs for the first time in a week. “I love you.”

She is immediately enveloped in a hug, and finally is relaxed enough not to instinctively tense up at the touch.

“I love you too.” Kara responds. “I’m proud for telling me.”

Lena shrugs. She can’t remember the last time she cried like that in front of someone. Possibly Jack, after Lex’s trial. Neither of those two are people she has the strength to think about now. Instead, she clambers of the bed.

“I’m gonna wash my face.” She explains, and goes to the bathroom.

She looks at herself in the mirror: she is a mess - red-rimmed eyes, blotchy skin, tangled hair. It’s still an improvement on the past few days, simply because she can actually deal with seeing herself without retching. She thinks of Adam momentarily. She hopes he is at peace.

After splashing some water on her face, she gets back into bed. Kara wiggles over to be closer to her and Lena reaches out to her, a warm feeling blooming in her chest.

She turns to her. “There are other things we need to talk about, aren’t there?”

“Yeah, there are,” Kara yawns. “But I think they can wait for now.”

Lena nods, already feeling sleep beginning to take her. She imagines attempting to explain Kara to her past self - how she would explain that there are people who exist who love and love and love, and don’t leave.

Just as she contemplates that, Kara leans over, pressing a very, very gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth. “Night.”

Lena tries to get her heart to slow down, acutely aware of Kara’s superhearing. “Sleep well.”

“You too.”

And for once, Lena does.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :-) @supermcgraths
> 
> also: merry christmas! or happy holidays if u celebrate something else


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